Helpful Mealtime Tips

Getting Your Family to the Table

What if, a hundred years from now, somebody stumbled across your family's calendar? What would they learn about what was important to you?

If you want to have regular family meals, the first step is to set aside a time they will happen and then, as much as you can, follow through. Consider scheduling extracurricular activities around your family time instead of reflexively squeezing your family to accommodate lessons, practices and games. The skills we learn in family living serve us throughout life. Most of us will still be part of a family long after we have given up ballet or soccer; cheerleading or violin. The feelings of rootedness and belonging make us better able to take on whatever jobs, or hobbies, we pursue later on. Also, it just feels good to count on getting together regularly, without having to make it a special occasion.

Try these tips:

• Make your expectations clear about the time and frequency of family meals.
• Tell your family why you expect their presence (because it's important for us to see each other regularly…because I care about you…because we're all part of the family "team"…)
• Provide meals that make it worth coming to the table. They don't have to be elaborate — just tasty, balanced and pleasant. The occasion is more important than the menu.
• If every family member can't make it to every meal, it's still important to get together.
• Enlist everyone's help. It makes less work for you, and lets everybody feel part of the event. Kids even learn useful skills and work habits.
• Don't give up on teenagers. It's their job to assert their independence; it's your job to let them know they are still part of the family.
• If supper is impossible, try a late-night dessert get-together. If weekdays are jammed, set aside Saturday breakfast, or Sunday supper. Figure out what works best in your household.
• Start small, but stick with it.

Mealtime Conversation Tips

Here are some tips to keep mealtime conversations fun and the communication flowing:

• Keep the talk age-appropriate. Or, if you’re discussing something above your children’s heads, give them a sense of what it’s about.
• Listen respectfully. Make sure everyone has a chance to speak. Some families have a special object they hand around to show whose turn it is.
• Keep questions open-ended. Be encouraging, not judgmental. Still, for some kids, what did you do today is just too broad. For them, the term is scaffolding: offer a structure so they can build an answer. (Who did you play with at recess? What was a funny thing that happened? Did you get caught in that rainstorm?) Ask them about their friends, their activities, their interests.
• Give little kids a break if they need it. Let them help clear between courses (carrying something unbreakable) or ask them to bring something from the kitchen that you “forgot.” Then, after they finish their job, thank them and let them know it’s time to sit down again.
• Try simple games like Boiler Burst. One person starts a story. Then, when he’s had enough, or after a set time limit, he says, “And then the boiler burst,” and the next person continues the tale. Older kids like to discuss hypotheticals: take a story from the news and ask “what would you do”?
• Set expectations. For example, We all stay at the table until everyone’s finished. Then people are more likely to sit and talk.